Please find my resume attached

* This cover letter was not generated by AI

Dear Sir or Madam,

I’m writing in regards to the position of __INSERT JOB TITLE HERE__ posted on LinkedIn.

In the spirit of integrity — the quality that your company famously prizes above all else — I’d like to begin with an honest admission.

I’ve spent much of my life strongly condemning full-time employment.

In fact, I used to believe that humanity already invented a time machine. Only it’s the shittiest time machine we ever could have built.

It’s called a full-time job.

Nothing will transport you to old age faster. You’ll just wake up one day and find that while you’ve been engaging in a series of virtually identical daily routines — coffee, commute, grind, commute, Swiss Chalet, Netflix, sleep — time will have passed you by.

As a drug addict, I thought I had been spared from having to use that infernal machine. I got old the old fashioned way: by lazing around, casting contempt on people with jobs and getting high.

Why am I applying for this job now? Well, I may have gotten on the wrong time machine. It turns out, the blurred void of existence I knew as an addict was also a time machine.

I have reached something resembling mid-life, and I had an unexpectedly bad time getting here. In fact, being here at all is rather unexpected. What’s worse, I’m sure I reached this point faster in my time machine than I would have in yours. You see, as a drug addict, I lived every day on fast forward.

I might as well have spent the last 20 years with a remote control in hand.

Family dinner? >>>

Walking the dog? >>>

Christmas morning? >>>

Waking up with someone who loves you? >>>

Well, you get the idea. While you can’t be high every waking moment, I ensured that none of the moments between mattered. They might as well have never existed.

And looking back at those high moments? I’d rather forget them.

It turns out drug addiction is the most ruthlessly efficient time machine of all.

I’ve been clean for nearly a year now. It’s been not only the best year of my life, but also the longest. In recovery, I managed to put down the remote control. If anything, I find myself wishing for a ‘rewind’ button.

The water in my local swimming pool feels positively effervescent. I could float forever. I’d like to have the same starry night that mesmerized me last night. And did you see that moon?

I’m not even accounting for every ridiculous, heartfelt and hilarious moment I’ve spent with my mother in the last year. They won’t last forever. But I’ve learned how to slow these scenes to a crawl.

And from the few stretches of employment I’ve known in my life, I recall a sense of camaraderie, belonging, even friendship. In fact, I met some of the dearest kindest people while gainfully employed. A couple of them have even stuck with me after all these years.

Which brings me to this position. Where do I see myself in 10 years?

Well, 10 years older, mostly.

But, I promise, it will be a very long 10 years. Because I’m determined to feel every moment.

What kind of employee can you expect?

One who’s rarely sick. Because I exercise and drink smoothies. And I’m fully immersed in a loving home environment.

A drama-free employee. Because I’m medicated.

A team player. Not long ago, I would have gagged on that lie. I took pride in being a rugged individual. Friendless, cynical, resentful and depressed. But an individual, nontheless! Once I learned to set aside my Narcissism, I could listen to people — lean into them — and even share my ice ceam with them.

A cat person. Or a dog person. Whichever you prefer.

And, as mentioned earlier, you’ll get an honest employee, which may be worth more than anything else. I’ll bet you don’t have many of them on staff. Even in your hiring wisdom, the deck is stacked to reward those who impress the most. As a result, you hire the best liar every time.

In conclusion, I don’t mind working to be alive any more. There are so many details to savor between the rituals. And it certainly beats working to be dead.

I’m done with time travel. I want to be present in the moment. I want to be your __INSERT JOB TITLE HERE__.

Thank you for your consideration. Please find my resume attached.

Looking forward to discussing my salary,

T. De Quincy