A new beginning

The last beginning sucked.

I used to be a journalist. I spent years writing for a big daily newspaper. I had a column too. Then I went abroad and wrote stories for more newspapers. I even made an ill-fated appearance on a reality TV show.

For most of that time, I was a pretty heavy smoker of crack cocaine.

It’s possible, at this point, you already know where this is heading. I might have known years ago. Maybe I had an overabundance of brain cells — more than the average crack smoker. How else could I burn off so many of them for so long, and still carve out a somewhat successful career? I mean, I won awards.

But stories about a semi-spectacular fall from grace are as old as time. You’ve probably heard a few. I’m going to resist the urge to tell you mine. For one thing, if you happen to be in recovery at the moment, my tales from the crack den won’t do you much good. In Narcotics Anonymous, they caution you about revisiting the details of addiction — you know the shady people and environs you once so blindly immersed yourself in. It’s called, ‘glamorizing drug use.’ And while I agree with plenty of NA tenets, I’m not sure you could call the life I lived particularly glamorous. I spent much of my active addiction conspiring — in the worst ways imaginable — to feed a habit. When I look back to the way I was just a handful of months ago — how hungry and chronically underslept and emaciated I used to be and how thoroughly unlovable I had made myself to anyone who dared try — the word ‘glamor’ doesn’t quite work here.

Another reason why I’ll try not to regale you with tales from the crack pipe? I’m afraid there’s still plenty of the old addict in me that yearns for it. Incredible, isn’t it? I haven’t been high in months. Physically, I’ve undergone an astonishing transformation, adding nearly 50 pounds to my once-skeletal physique. My mind, too. I mean, the fact that I’m able to string words into sentences — much less sit at a desk for more than 10 minutes — is as much a surprise to me as it is my family. Yet, here I am, seemingly far removed from the horrors of the past and still afraid to indulge in those memories — lest I awaken something that may still be inside me. Maybe, for all my proclamations wellness, I’m afraid my habit lingers, just waiting for an opportunity to pounce.

So, we’ll leave off the past —until, at least, I can be assured that it truly is the past. It’s best for both of us. For now, let’s say that, like most addicts, what I lost was immeasurable. Not just in terms of house, money, family and all the usual trappings of Normalcy, but in how far behind I left my true self.

While I’m hoping this blog will help us both sort through a few things, and maybe cast some light on this addiction that bedevils so many of us, there’s one goal for me that looms largest.

I want to get back to myself. Honestly, most addicts will say the same thing. When asked to describe the person they were when their habit was in full flight, they will likely recoil with disgust. That jittery wretch with burnt fingertips was a basket of ulterior agendas — someone who lived only to serve his habit.

I was that person for so long, I can scarcely remember the version that came before. In fact, I’m not even sure ‘recovery’ is the right word. More like ‘re-discovery’.

Who was I before I picked up this hitchhiker?

I know the road to recovery is wild and uncertain. But one thing I know for sure is that I need to get back to the man – or the child even – that I used to be. You know when I made decisions just for him, rather than bending and warping every fabric of my life around my habit.

I’d like to write about a great many things here. It seems to me, there’s a lot to talk about when it comes to recovery. Some of it doesn’t get talked about at all. And I’m near-bursting with pent up thoughts. Hopefully you’ll join the conversation too. But in the end, I’m hoping this will be a backward journey — to that time, way back, when I felt more like a whole person. I’d like to get to know that person again. And just maybe this voyage of re-discovery will end up pushing us both a little farther ahead.